Yesterday, I had a dream I was in the process of making into reality. Had you asked me yesterday how big of a dream it was, I would have said "pretty huge!" Had you asked me yesterday how much I thought about the details and sacrifices I would have to make to pursue that dream, I would have said "yea, sure."
I would have been completely lying.
Today I woke up and that dream was no longer. A problem I have (I know some of you will say this isnt a problem) is I dream BIG. Sometimes I let the dream and idea get the best of me, and wont listen to any naysayers. I dont factor life into the equation. I brush aside everything I ever wanted before this dream, and just put my blinders on and say "Im going for it!"
Last night I went to bed at 1am, and woke up at 3:19 in a sweat. I tossed and turned, and thought, and built things up, and tore them down, made a mental pro and con list, listened to the "YES!" girl in my brain, eavesdropped on the "No!" lady in my head.
Two months ago had you asked me what my big dream was, I would have said "a writer!"
Two years ago had you asked me what my big dream was, I would have said "event planner!"
Early this morning, around 6 am, had you asked me what my big dream was, I would have said "a family lady. I want to have kids, I want to buy a big beautiful home, I want to go on camping trips, I want to travel with my husband, I want to be debt free, I want to drive a mid size SUV (no minivan - sorry Nay!), I want to video tape my kids in school plays, I want to take them to the beach, I want to celebrate elaborate anniversaries with my husband, I want to have a mortgage and a pride of ownership in my home, I want a 2 car garage, a ranch style house with black shutters, a cooking kitchen, a family pet, Christmas photo cards.
And I have never been so sure of this dream in my life.
this is where my family goes "say what?!"
And my boyfriend goes "Ummmm?"
And everyone else says "Well, why cant you have both? Why cant you have the family and the dream career? Why cant you decide you want to be happy and have it all?
And you are right. I can have it all. But Im not like that. When reality hits me at 3am and leaves me in a cold sweat for 4 hours, I realize that at the end of the day, in order to achieve the latest dream (of being a chef, by the way), I would have to put my "family" dream on the back burner. And when I thought of that, I started to cry.
And so for the rest of my life, I will thank the dream of going to culinary school for making me realize that deep down, really, truly - I want what a lot of women will tell me Im crazy for wanting.
I want to be a wife and a mom.
**but I will still write, and I will still cook. Because these things make me happy, and I dont have to pay back the debt of happy hobbies for the rest of my life.
(no Im not pregnant)
(no Im not pregnant)